Quicksand

You are drowning. Not quickly. You are slowly sinking, how far down are you?

Are you at your ankles, your feet just being covered almost like when you sit at the beach and cover the top of your foot with sand? This sand though is not soft and grainy, this sand is like mud and heavy like when you are at the edge of the ocean and sink your feet in when the waves sweep up to the shore. Where it takes some effort to get your feet back out of it.

Effort is key.

Are you waist deep in the quicksand? Like you are pulling a whole other person with you when you try to walk forward? Or like you are pushing a car with a dead battery out of the road with it in neutral?

Now what is even more tricky is if the quicksand is up to your shoulders, almost up your neck. Where the only free thing is your head, It holds your brain, your eyes, ears and nose. Your shoulders feel heavy, you turn your whole body to turn your head, you are moving so slow that everyone else seems like they are fast-warded.

Even if you feel stuck to the point that only your eyes and top of your head are out. Well you are still in luck your brain is fitting for air for you.

This quicksand is not quick, why that name I do not know.

Now from what I remember about quicksand, you can not struggle, you can not wiggle, you can not crawl out of it. You have to pulled out of it quickly. You can not sit there and take your time to think about it, most of all you can not give up.

I am using quicksand as a description of life.

When you feel stuck, and like you are sinking…… or that life is overwhelming and you can see no change in your future. If you ever feel like you should just make yourself comfortable in this quicksand life. Please do not. Please do not feel like slowly drowning is the way your going to get out of this life.  Yes it will work, yes it will happen, if you do not TRY.

Crawling before walking, walking before running, stepping before jumping. These are the steps we watch our young children follow. But as adults we have to follow them too.

Now I know I said you can not get out of quicksand by all these things, that you have to be lifted out of the quicksand. You lift yourself out of the quicksand with your mind, with your heart, with your soul, with your longing to live for the others who love you, even if not for yourself. But the only you will stay out of that quicksand and not slide back is to have God pull you out. Now God can give the rope to get out, and he will pull, but you have to put your arms up and grab it without letting go.

I was in quicksand, I was almost comfortable with it, but this little nagging voice, the tired heart and body that couldn’t keep up with my kids. I am freshly out of it.

So, I wanted to share that you are not stuck unless you choose to be.

Grab the rope!!!!!!!!!!!

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what if…… (My first short story)

Disclaimer: this is not a true story and it is far from perfect.

 

“Yes mom, her parents will there”. Beth yelled, while running out the front door. Her ride was in the drive way waiting. This was the new guy George, he seemed cool enough, a little shy, but she would fix that. George looked nervous, “how are you?”, “where are we going?”, “my dad said I have to be home by 10” were the first things out of his mouth before she even had a chance to answer. Beth looked and rolled her eyes, “don’t be a downer already, if you call around 9:30 and say you are too tired to drive home, your dad will let you stay longer, trust me.” George cringes, he was starting to feel even more uncomfortable than he already did, which was a lot, his brain screamed, this is bad news, but his brain also screamed she is so pretty, confident, and asked him out. The other guys seemed so jealous that Beth came right up to me at lunch and asked me out, well she told him “Hey new guy, pick me up at 8” and then she dropped a folded note on the table, and walked away. The note was her address, that was all. I was wondering if she even knew my name.
So now she was telling him where and how to drive. “Can’t this car go any faster?”, “You drive like my dad”. I was getting a bit frustrated with her. I liked my car, and intended to keep it in one piece, I had saved all his birthday and Christmas money, and worked for the last three summers to pay for this car, it was a 2 door, royal blue, 2003 Mustang.
Finally, we get to this fancy looking brick two-story house. Lanterns at the edges of the driveway, the drive way was even made out of bricks. When we to get to front of the house there are kids falling out the front door, cars everywhere. People start saying hey to Beth, asking her who I was, saying ‘who is this guy?”. She tells them that “I’m the new kid”. “Oh” they nod and smirk. I feel like they know something that I don’t. Again, this starts to feel like a bad idea, I have pain the pit of my stomach, or is that the pizza me and dad had ordered for the third time this week. I stand still, trying to take this in, I have seen anything like this before, while looking around, battling with my thoughts, trying to come up with an escape plan already. Then Beth starts pulling me towards the house, “hey come on, we are already late”. All I can notice now is that she is holding my hand.
We walk inside, she drops my hand and tells me to follow her, she definitely knows where she is going, I follow, I look around some more, and like I thought she is the only one I know. If only the kids from my old school would be here, oh wait none of my old friends would be in a place this no matter if they didn’t live 2,500 miles away.
Today I had started what my mom liked to say was, my new life journey, at Harbor Point, my new fancy private school. Yes, today was really my first day. My dad said I hit the jack pot with a girl asking me out. He insisted I go. I really, really, didn’t want to, I wanted to call her to make up some excuse, but she only gave me her address. If mom was around she would have asked more questions, but she was working late, again.
I glance around as I walk through this ginormous house. All I could see was the expensive furniture, electronics, and decor. I assumed the parents weren’t home with these kids everywhere with red plastic cups and beer cans, I saw girls with wine cooler bottles, the kind mom drinks occasionally. The couches are covered with girls and boys making out, wow, even girls making out with each other. Beth turns and sees me looking, she grunts and grabs my hand and pulls me through the crowd.
In the kitchen she hands me cup, already full sitting on the counter. “What is this?” I ask. She giggles and says “beer, what’d you think”. I see a big metal barrel on the ground with a pump and hose coming out of it. A guy, I think he was in my history class comes up and puts cup to the hose and starts pumping and it pours what must be beer with white frothy foam. Beth walks over and gets a wine cooler from the fridge. I stammer saying “I drove, I don’t want it, do you have a soda?” Now she really giggles, “just shut up and drink it, it is only one.” The guys in the kitchen are laughing, I can’t tell which part of that they are laughing at. So, I just start sipping it.
Honestly this is the worst tasting thing ever. I don’t drink beer, tried it once as a kid, my dad left it on table and I snuck a taste, it was terrible and swore when I was 10 years old I wouldn’t drink them. But this one seems to be even worse, and it is warm too. So, I just sip it, so I just shut up and drink it, just like Beth said.
I start to get woozy, it’s only half way gone. This must be what drunk feels like, but it takes my dad like six or more to get to acting like he’s drunk. Beth is running around, saying hey to her friends. She looks back at me and smile, I thought she forgot I was there. I have become like a statue just standing by the kitchen, thankful for the wall that I’m leaning against, it holds me steady, so that it is only my head swimming. Kids are swarming by me faster than bees in and out of the kitchen, that’s where the booze is.
My phone buzzes. I pull it out, it looks kind of blurry. Says I have a new text message. I open it and have to strain to get the letters to come together as words. I finally see it’s from dad, it says that mom has to work late so she is just going to stay at the hospital tonight, so that I don’t have to be home until 12, and to have fun. Beth grabs my phone and reads it, she says “well didn’t that work out perfectly, now he will really believe that your too tired to drive. She grabs my phone and says for me to just let her keep my phone and that she will text him later, and promises she won’t forget. I ask for it back, and he laughs and walks away. I tried to yell “Hey!”, but she can’t hear me, I tried to step towards her, but my feet feel like they are cemented to the floor.
By now my cup is empty, just from being thirsty. After what feels like forever I feel my cup being taken from my hand, I shake my head in realization, that I had just been standing there starring, it was like I was watching a fuzzy tv screen. Beth asks “hey, you alright, you look a little dizzy”, looks like that same smirk from earlier on her face. Yes, I say I am dizzy. She tells some kids to scram and clears a seat on the couch for me, in front of the tv, football was on, couldn’t hear it, but at least it would give me something to watch. Beth gets me settled, and asked if I’d like a drink, Oh, how can she read my mind, I say “yes please, some water.” She laughs takes my cup and walks off. She brings me back another cup of beer. I say that I asked for water, she laughs and walks off. I am dying of a dry mouth so I sip it.
I am thinking of how to get out of this situation. I have my keys, but I am not that stupid, I can barely walk. I can call someone, of wait Beth has my phone. Who would I call anyway? If I called my dad, he’d probably just tell me to relax and have fun, he is always telling me to loosen up. I could call mom, but she’s at work, like is always is lately. Then she would end up being madder at dad, than she already is. Why is she always mad at dad? Now with nothing else to think of, I come to think of this.
We just moved here to Tennessee last month, in the middle of summer, with what to me was no warning. I had spent the last month setting up my room and unpacking my computer and bedroom. Dad said I needed to be out making friends, but I am not really the social type, so he was so happy when I came home saying a pretty girl asked me out. He would not let me stay home, he actually threatened to ground me from my computer if I didn’t go, says I spend too much time on there and not enough with real people.
When we lived in Georgia it wasn’t a big deal and now all of a sudden, I have to make friends. At least there I had a few friends, from church and the last 10 years of school. Why did we move?
So now without realizing my cup was empty again, and Beth almost as if on schedule, takes my cup, I found my voice this time, “water this time, I still have to drive”. She laughs and tells me to “stop being a downer, it’s only 9:45 and I don’t have to be home until 12”. She walks off and brings me another beer. I go to stand up, but my head is still fuzzy, these have to wear off eventually, I can’t believe I am such a lightweight, as my dad always jokes that my mom is.
Speaking of mom, how I wish she would be around more often, she seems to pay attention. Then I remember something she told me after I got my license when we lived in GA, if I ever needed a way out that I should text her and tell people that she texted me that I had to go. Well that might work I had my phone or if I could drive. Lord, help me, you always provide an out, at least I remember hearing that at church on Sunday, that we will tempted but not to feel like we have to, because there will always be a way out of it. SO, where is my way out.?
Beth sits next me, I hear my phone ringing, in her pocket. “OH hey, let me have my phone”. She takes it out, looks at it, it’s your mom, she chuckles and presses ignore. I go grab my phone and she throws it to another guy, and it’s like a game of keep away, I finally get to feet, getting sick of sitting, and sick of this “pretty” girl. Then I lost it, I don’t know who had it, or where it went, all I knew was that I was about to hurl. So I start heaving and this guy comes and pushes me, saying “no way, not here”, and he pushes me into a door in the hall which was the bathroom thankfully.
I finally start to feel better after I puked up all that nasty beer. I rinse my mouth with water and wash off my face. I walk out, still not really knowing what I was going to do. I look at the door and I see a clear path, I am able to walk straight to door, I think about my phone, and then I think about having to go through Beth to get it. I think I will let her have it. Before I can to the door to open it to leave, the door swings open and I am face to face with my mom. “Mom? What are you doing here?” I ask. She grabs me by my ear, like she used to do when I was kid and drags me off.
She opens the passenger door to her car and pushes me in. I get an ear full on the way home, but I am just so stunned that this really is happening, I am not at that party I am actually riding in my mom’s car. Finally, she takes a breath, so all I can ask is “mom, how did you do that?”. She didn’t really like that question, she seemed to of heard mom, why did you do that. But really how did she do that? She was at work, I only told me dad where Beth lived, and then we went to someone else’s house, I don’t even know whose. I am zoned out the whole way home, all I heard was how disappointed she was in me, and that she was busy enough already without having to deal with this, and oh yes, of course I am grounded for the foreseeable future.
We get home, mom tells me to go inside and go straight to my room, she has to talk to my dad. Which of course, I knew what that meant. I sit at the top of the stairs and listen, I don’t want to hear them scream at each other, about how mom is always at work, and about how she is picking up dads slack, since we moved to another state to follow a dud job lead. What I wanted to hear was how in world did she do that. After at least half an hour of them yelling, about not even me, she gets to it. Summed up this is what happened, Mom was working in the emergency room tonight when a kid my age named George came in of a drug overdose, they tried to pump his stomach, seems he had taken a handful of pills to try to kill himself, and unfortunately it had worked. Mom being the over worrier tried to call me to say hello make sure I was ok, and that is when Beth had my phone so, when I didn’t answer she called dad, and he said I was out with friends, she finally convinced him and he and gave her Beth’s address, since that’s all I had given him. Mom said she had had a sick feeling, so she left work, went to Beth’s parents’ house and since we weren’t there she got them to tell her where we had gone. And then that’s when mom got to the party and saw me walking with a pale face and puke on my shirt.

There are many different ways this story could end, and to be honest this wasn’t my first choice. But this is my favorite!  Our kids are going to get themselves into situations on purpose or not, we need to remember to pray over them always and to remind them daily we are there for them and love them not matter what mistakes they may make. ALSO remind them God loves them without fail, because us as humans we fail daily as parents.

 

 

For Your Sake

Who are you to tell me how to live my life?

Who cares if you have good intentions?

I just started being healthy. Almost 35.

It’s like when you find Jesus and you want everyone else to know, so they can get to heaven with you.  I want my friends and family to be healthy with me. They would get so much more out of life.

I can see better now. (yes yes I see clearly now that the rain is gone) but more because the sugar and excess weight is gone.

It is like I have this magic eight ball. I can see why so and so is having trouble sleeping. Or why so and so is having what I would call sugar tantrums, or anxiety, depression.

I have struggled with all of these.

To be completely honest, I still do if I get off the exercising and eating right band wagon, which I do fall off occasionally, but now that I have seen the greener grass, I will climb barb wire to get back on.

The first time I ever felt like running. It wasn’t because I wanted to be healthy, or have a better body. It was because I was so pissed off at my situation and the fact that I could not do ANYTHING about it. I wanted to run I wanted to fly away. So I ran as fast and hard as I could, granted it was less than an eighth of a mile but it opened up something inside of me. No not my lungs they felt like they were going to burst. I was crumpled over on the road crying. To tell you the truth I did not feel any better that day, but the truth is I didn’t have any more energy to feel worse.

This was probably almost 3 years ago.  I have gone up and down the scale rollacoaster more times then I’d like to admit. Partly due to having a baby. But also I forget how good I feel when I let myself feel bad, and the why bother when I hit the weight platoe.

I can tell a major difference in myself when I get up and run or walk or do a yoga video versus when I wake up and do nothing. I am testy, aggravated to boot. When I get up and exercise and wipe myself out. I do not have the energy for the negative. I do not rent it space.  Plus I feel accomplished already.

Being a grown up now. I can look back and see that I never had any self esteem, never cared never thought that that could change. But it has. I like myself finally and I want to take of myself. I want this to shine through to my children, so that they can have these values and self esteem and self control and self discipline that I wish I could of had earlier on.

Live Like You Are Dying

What does this even mean? Well to me it is the stupidest most senseless thing you could say or tell anyone. Even if you are, do you really want to rush it?

What this also means is live your life like you are constant vacation. Which I have done for many years. Eat every meal like it is thanksgiving. Or better yet like it’s your last.

How stupid. Oh wait you’ve always wanted to jump out of a plane, well go do it! Which I have, very exhilarating. But how stupid! But I would do it again.

I am so fed up with this analogy that lets everyone do anything they want, without having to think of the consequences, what, why? because they are going to die anyway. Well news flash we all are going to. Does that mean you are in hurry to get there. Being a Christian I am kinda sorta am in a hurry. But not really I have kids and a great husband. I want to spend every second I can with them. So why did I wait until I was over thirty to finally take care of myself? Because I didn’t care before. I was enjoying every moment recklessly and really not enjoying much of it at all.

I think you should live like you want to live forever, that way your bodies can handle it. I am not saying, no fun, but I am saying, would you want someone you love to do that? Think about your life that way. Would you want a loved one to live the way you are?

I am recently battling a huge parent fail, that I have created myself. My son who is almost nine detests fruits and vegetables. He will eat corn on the cob, he eats spaghetti with the hidden veggies and drinks orange juice. These are about the extent of it. He has always been really active so I haven’t seen any physical side effects. He is still healthy looking, but has become less active, also another parent fail.

But recently I have been trying to take my health back. and i can’t get him on the bandwagon.  I need help………….

And just for the record I do like this country song.

Will Power (what is that?)

I realized today that I don’t have a theme or journey or anything day to day type blog. I just write or type when I feel compelled or lead to.

After thinking about it and going back to read my older posts, I can see a maturity growing. So I think that this blog is diagramming my writing and Christian maturity.

See now, as all stories go, well the ones with happy endings, the one’s who know that they have the happy ending, they have to have some bad bits too. If your whole life is cake and then you can actually eat the cake without getting fat, well you have no idea how lucky you are and most likely take it so far for granted that it would make other people sick.

On the other hand when you walk through the ruff and fire and come out still in one piece you can truly appreciate the good and happy ending.

Now I am not saying that being saved later in life makes you more of a christian, I am just saying when you live half your life really truly believing that you will rot in a wooden casket six feet under ground getting chewed through by bugs. Not a pretty picture. But when you can wake up one day and say no that won’t be me. Maybe my human body but not me, the part that really makes me me. That part is not my skin, my weight, my eye color, my crooked teeth. My soul is me. The never ending me. The last forever live in heaven me. So thankful for that.

So even though we should take care of ourselves, our bodies are not the most important. When we take care of our souls, I truly believe the rest can follow, if we so desire. The best quote I’ve heard was “not to rely on self will- power but to rely on God’s power.” That is from the Daniel Plan book, haven’t read the whole thing, but I think that may just be the best line in it. Because it is the truth, by ourselves nothing is possible, but with God anything is possible. Yes, thank you for that truth.

I am praying AND begging God to take the power, oh how do I wish He would just take my will away and give me a map, how many heartaches and mistakes could I of avoided if He worked that way. But He doesn’t, but He will guide us, if we take the time to ask Him.

 

Semi-Gloss

How are you? Good? That’s great, happy to hear.

How am I? Well I should answer with good. I should answer with great, blessed, and happy beyond measure.

Those are true and correct but yet not quite how I feel.  When people ask you how you are, you mostly answer with gloss, maybe the way you wished you were or maybe how you think you should be.

I have a wonderful family, I have everything I have ever wanted, I have much more than I need. But still I am not satisfied. I feel a longing, I feel like something is missing, like I need more…  More of what? Well I can answer that with my long past of trial of error. I can tell you all the things it is not. It is not more money, it is not more books, it is not more stuff( that is for sure). It is not more children (though they are a blessing).

The answer is more of God! I am a christian, an acting one as well, have been for several years. But yet I still feel dissatisfied.  I know that Jesus saved me and that I have a better place to be, but yet I live like this is where I collect my treasure. I have been living trying to cling and hold my treasures.

New phone, iPad, computer. Bookshelves full, nice car, wonderful kids, hardworking good looking husband. I have these.

Inner peace, complete and utter joy, feeling of fulfillment, love pouring out. These I do not.

Now the hard truth. We gloss over our lives, we are like paint, flat is boring, glossy is too fake, we all want to be semi-gloss. Just the right amount of shine, the shine that is believable even to our selves. We can trick ourselves to think we have it. We know we should, so we act accordingly.

I have no reason to be unhappy, an unhappy christian.? how is that even possible.? It is, it is called a selfish christian, such a thing should not be possible.

Being selfish with God, he created me, he knows what I am to accomplish. But I don”t seem to care, I keep running and trying to take charge of my life, like I hold the reins, like I can really make a difference by myself, without him. No…

I’ve been doing this dance for many years. I have everything I could possible imagine and blessed beyond measure, but yet I still have a hole.

How to make myself Whole and fill the hole. Well this is a start. Rebuking, finding my sin that is keeping me from God. My idols, the things I can hold in my hands and spend more time with them than with the One who gave me life and my children’s’ lives, and all these material possessions.

People are idols too. Having a great day and run into a snag or argument, or even into someone having a bad day. Then all of a sudden even though their day or mood has nothing to do with you, you take it on like, you created it for them. Letting someone control the way you feel, letting them take away a smile, letting them take away your good mood, and replacing it with sourness, that’s the devils work. Don’t do it for him.

I write this out loud, and pray that this will help me heal my issues. I only share this to try to help someone else trying to figure this out for themselves.

There is only one way to fill the hole. That hole was put there for that exact reason, but to often than not we have to fill it with all the things it wasn’t made for before we can find Who it was made for. So please do not be has stubborn or hard headed as I, just let God fill it to start, and save yourself some trouble.

 

How people come together. Part 2

They meet at the local dive bar after she gets off work.  They play pool, he finds out she’s actually pretty good, he lets her win a couple times, at least claims he did.

They talk and laugh. She keeps throwing money in jukebox. She dances while she walks and sings, with the look of no worries. She is relaxed, and she can not remember the last time she had this feeling.

They travel outside, away from the crowd and smoke. They looked at the moon, and they can still hear the music. They dance.. This is not a dance club nor with room or people that dance. There is a pergola with a bench and an ashtray. But they don’t notice the setting or passersby. They dance to a slow song, and then another, and another which feels like a minute and a million years all at the same time. In this moment they did not feel as strangers, they felt like they fit together, they felt like the place, the music, the whole setting, was made just for them.

This was the first date. This was the perfect one.