Will Power (what is that?)

I realized today that I don’t have a theme or journey or anything day to day type blog. I just write or type when I feel compelled or lead to.

After thinking about it and going back to read my older posts, I can see a maturity growing. So I think that this blog is diagramming my writing and Christian maturity.

See now, as all stories go, well the ones with happy endings, the one’s who know that they have the happy ending, they have to have some bad bits too. If your whole life is cake and then you can actually eat the cake without getting fat, well you have no idea how lucky you are and most likely take it so far for granted that it would make other people sick.

On the other hand when you walk through the ruff and fire and come out still in one piece you can truly appreciate the good and happy ending.

Now I am not saying that being saved later in life makes you more of a christian, I am just saying when you live half your life really truly believing that you will rot in a wooden casket six feet under ground getting chewed through by bugs. Not a pretty picture. But when you can wake up one day and say no that won’t be me. Maybe my human body but not me, the part that really makes me me. That part is not my skin, my weight, my eye color, my crooked teeth. My soul is me. The never ending me. The last forever live in heaven me. So thankful for that.

So even though we should take care of ourselves, our bodies are not the most important. When we take care of our souls, I truly believe the rest can follow, if we so desire. The best quote I’ve heard was “not to rely on self will- power but to rely on God’s power.” That is from the Daniel Plan book, haven’t read the whole thing, but I think that may just be the best line in it. Because it is the truth, by ourselves nothing is possible, but with God anything is possible. Yes, thank you for that truth.

I am praying AND begging God to take the power, oh how do I wish He would just take my will away and give me a map, how many heartaches and mistakes could I of avoided if He worked that way. But He doesn’t, but He will guide us, if we take the time to ask Him.

 

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Cases

Why do people buy cases? for protection. Cases for cameras and sewing machines. Because they are expensive and we want to protect them. But I don’t know if your like me when I put things in a case to keep them safe I stop using them. I put them up on a high shelf or in a cabinet so no one can damage them. But then I forget I have them. 

Well this is true for hearts too. How many times has it been broken, how many times has it hurt. our hearts our very precious to us so we protect them. Put it in a case. One with a lock and key. And then grow bitter and forget we have one.

That is what happened to me. I had heart break after heart break. Not just boys, but deeper than that. So I put my heart on a self way up high so I couldn’t even reach it. I forgot about the softness it holds and the joy of just enjoying loving. 

I have been married and have children and I am just starting to be able to reach mine again. finally I am losing that case of protection and I love it. To be able to feel and smile and not hold back just because of the rejection I have faced over my life.  I have been hurt so many times that I blocked myself and put up a fortress of walls, even to my husband and kids. They got more than the rest. But now I am finding joy in letting others in too. 

I thought I was just that type of person, you know, made bitter and unsocial. But when I look back I never was as a kid I was so out going and happy but then I changed. I let other people tell me who I was. I was ugly and trash and I started to believe it. 

Now with God’s help my prayers are being answered. I want to love people like Christ does. I can feel my heart opening.  Thank you Jesus! 

Glory (A work in progress)

The purpose of your life. The purpose of mine. The purpose of this whole earth and everyone and everything on it, is to bring God glory.

I heard a man speak, Wayne Sneed, he visited our church yesterday, that is what he taught us. Of course I have heard this, in pieces before, but this was the first time I actually heard and swallowed the message.

I spent many years running from God, claiming ignorance, if I don’t know I can’t be held accountable. .  I thought to say yes I know your there, God, I know Jesus is your son and came and died for my sins, and rose again. Ok I know all this , now I am golden. I can repent when I get to far off track, and I’ll be forgiven and start again tomorrow.

I had someone I highly respect tell me, yes these are true facts to be saved, but the devil knows these to. So what makes me different, even me the immature in Christ christian knows that to have the same simple thoughts as satan, is not something I want to do.

So what do you do to make yourself different. Well, time is key, you have to mature slowly (maybe not as slow as me). To feel sorrow when you sin, to know when you are doing it, and for that to feel painful. It finally feels painful, so I know I am growing up in Christ. Yes, I am already an adult, but spiritually I am a young child.

So my advice to you and I, is to read the Bible. To get to know the God we are serving. And to also serve. I also suggest to serve humbly, or you will be humbled.

Last note, If we do everything we can and do not love each other, it is all in vain. Start in your house with love, give it all to them and then when it pours out, spread it out more. But do not give all your love to others and come home empty.  (I am working on this.)

When the stars do not align

God is giving us a way out. When your life gets complicated, or endless mountains of things to do, your doing something wrong. When God means for something to happen it happens.

Why are we so foolish to waste precious time and energy trying to have God see it our way?  But look God, I could do it, even though You don’t want me to, See I really can…. Then He will show you… He will  at first gently tug at you, the stubborn fool doesn’t listen. He will show you by using things in your life, He will mess with your sleep, He will make you uncomfortable. Until you listen. The sooner the better.

But our God is so gracious that He will always give us a way out. You think you have committed to something, but that confirmation email never came, and you find out that it never went through. WOW thank you God.

Feeling stuck somewhere you know God does not want you to be?  Well don’t, start looking for your emergency exit, because I promise you, that there is one.

Semi-Gloss

How are you? Good? That’s great, happy to hear.

How am I? Well I should answer with good. I should answer with great, blessed, and happy beyond measure.

Those are true and correct but yet not quite how I feel.  When people ask you how you are, you mostly answer with gloss, maybe the way you wished you were or maybe how you think you should be.

I have a wonderful family, I have everything I have ever wanted, I have much more than I need. But still I am not satisfied. I feel a longing, I feel like something is missing, like I need more…  More of what? Well I can answer that with my long past of trial of error. I can tell you all the things it is not. It is not more money, it is not more books, it is not more stuff( that is for sure). It is not more children (though they are a blessing).

The answer is more of God! I am a christian, an acting one as well, have been for several years. But yet I still feel dissatisfied.  I know that Jesus saved me and that I have a better place to be, but yet I live like this is where I collect my treasure. I have been living trying to cling and hold my treasures.

New phone, iPad, computer. Bookshelves full, nice car, wonderful kids, hardworking good looking husband. I have these.

Inner peace, complete and utter joy, feeling of fulfillment, love pouring out. These I do not.

Now the hard truth. We gloss over our lives, we are like paint, flat is boring, glossy is too fake, we all want to be semi-gloss. Just the right amount of shine, the shine that is believable even to our selves. We can trick ourselves to think we have it. We know we should, so we act accordingly.

I have no reason to be unhappy, an unhappy christian.? how is that even possible.? It is, it is called a selfish christian, such a thing should not be possible.

Being selfish with God, he created me, he knows what I am to accomplish. But I don”t seem to care, I keep running and trying to take charge of my life, like I hold the reins, like I can really make a difference by myself, without him. No…

I’ve been doing this dance for many years. I have everything I could possible imagine and blessed beyond measure, but yet I still have a hole.

How to make myself Whole and fill the hole. Well this is a start. Rebuking, finding my sin that is keeping me from God. My idols, the things I can hold in my hands and spend more time with them than with the One who gave me life and my children’s’ lives, and all these material possessions.

People are idols too. Having a great day and run into a snag or argument, or even into someone having a bad day. Then all of a sudden even though their day or mood has nothing to do with you, you take it on like, you created it for them. Letting someone control the way you feel, letting them take away a smile, letting them take away your good mood, and replacing it with sourness, that’s the devils work. Don’t do it for him.

I write this out loud, and pray that this will help me heal my issues. I only share this to try to help someone else trying to figure this out for themselves.

There is only one way to fill the hole. That hole was put there for that exact reason, but to often than not we have to fill it with all the things it wasn’t made for before we can find Who it was made for. So please do not be has stubborn or hard headed as I, just let God fill it to start, and save yourself some trouble.

 

How people come together. Part 2

They meet at the local dive bar after she gets off work.  They play pool, he finds out she’s actually pretty good, he lets her win a couple times, at least claims he did.

They talk and laugh. She keeps throwing money in jukebox. She dances while she walks and sings, with the look of no worries. She is relaxed, and she can not remember the last time she had this feeling.

They travel outside, away from the crowd and smoke. They looked at the moon, and they can still hear the music. They dance.. This is not a dance club nor with room or people that dance. There is a pergola with a bench and an ashtray. But they don’t notice the setting or passersby. They dance to a slow song, and then another, and another which feels like a minute and a million years all at the same time. In this moment they did not feel as strangers, they felt like they fit together, they felt like the place, the music, the whole setting, was made just for them.

This was the first date. This was the perfect one.

How people come together. Part 1

So here I am writing about things over my head and things that I do not fully understand. Well maybe just this one thing.

Once upon time there was a girl, she was old enough to be an adult but she did not have any of the maturity of one. So she was a girl.

The first time they met she had a boyfriend, she didn’t have any kids. He had a wife and 2 kids.  She was taken with this man. He was a man, she was a girl.  She met him where she worked, everyday she would see him, they barely spoke, she was shy and knew he was off-limits.

She stops working, moves away, thinking she’s grown, to only learn that she’s lived a very sheltered and entitled life. Moves to a place so unkind and tragic that she cries to come back home. 

So time passes, during this time she has pressed every limit and boundary. With the help of a couple rough relationships, one being very abusive, finally maturing she woke up from the fog she was living under with a baby.  Also during this time, this man had been going through a pretty tiring and trying separation.

Back to her… She had a baby, no job and lived with her parents.  Winner?  She followed the help wanted signs, even bagged an interview in the local porn shop, she was gonna take the job for as bad as she needed the money.  She receives a phone call, the place she used to work had new owners and heard she was a great employee, and wanted to know is she was in need of a job. Who her? Why YES!

Now she had a job, baby daddy in jail, and lived with her parents.  Getting better?  She meets this man again, infatuated with this man, still off-limits in her mind, he was married, she kept her distance.

Slowly they started chatting, both learning about the other, the hard times they were going through.  Separation, and newly single parenting.  Found out both their exes lived on the same road two houses apart (when her’s wasn’t in jail).

They were becoming friends. Nothing more.

She drove a busted ford escort, got it after she wrecked her nice car in a ditch, but it got her to point A and mostly to B.  She was working, he was there. Someone walked in and said “your brake light is stuck on”. Not completely understanding why but her first impulse was to look at this man, as he did work on cars, she had found out through their talks. “hey car guy, could you help me?” were her words. He casually nodded.

They walked out together, first time alone, it was dark so the light grew brighter as they walked toward her car.  He fixed the light, with his head by the pedals, she thought, why is the man being so nice? They never are this nice, at least to me. She felt grateful and strangely special in this moment. Then she asked “what do I owe you?” He replied “how about a game of pool?”