Life can change for the better, even if we are scared.

My last post was my testimony. I have had it written for some time. I was scared to share it, but then my oldest bonus son, (step-son) shared his with me, I felt selfish to keep it my self.  I am thankful that he found God at an early age and his trials, that pushed him towards God, and that were significant to him and changed everyone’s lives around him, his parents divorce, their remarriages and added siblings to his life, also led me into his life. I am grateful that  led him to come closer to God. Me emerging into a premade family also led me closer to God. I had a relationship with God, but when God placed more people and children for me to be responsible for, I only clung closer to Him, I alone am still not capable of that responsibility, If anyone has gotten to know me through life or this blog they would not find me adequate to raise anyone including myself without God (Lord knows I already tried that, and failed).

My testimony is about my baby changing my life. I have very strong feelings about abortion. If I would of had an abortion, my life would never of changed. However scared and unprepared I was to live my choices I made those choices, and I knew that it was God who was changing my life for the better.

For women who are scared, who are in bad relationships to start with, or a baby was not it their plans, that baby is in God’s plans. That baby will not be their to anchor to you into an unhealthy relationship, it may be the one thing that will you courage to finally leave it(as in my case). If you are in a place that you can not or will not consider changing your life or raising that child, please consider adoption, their are many people who will love that child, that for their own circumstances can not have one of their own or do not have enough of their own.  There are places to get support, look for a local church,pregnancy clinic, they will walk you through each step and process and give you all your options, but their prayer to help bring that child to a life outside the womb.

 

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My Baby Saved My Life…. True story

The day that I realized my life was not my own was on the day I found out I was pregnant. I was on my smoke break, the girls from work pooled together and got me the test. I was so scared to take it, they waited outside the toilet room door and I came out crying. I had tables waiting for their food, checks, and a welcoming greeting and I was too busy balling my eyes out. I learned this day that my life was not for me and in the same moment I knew I had been saved, in more ways than one.

I also knew that it was one of the best days of my life. The best being the day my son was born. And I’ll tell you to get from point A to B at this time in my life was not an easy road but well worth it.
During this time I got to break free of chains I thought I had been forever tied to. I got to find myself and find God as well. I had been blessed with an angel and not only one to know about, but one to see and feel. It was at this point that I learned I have to grow up put on my big girl panties and get over my pitiful self-destructive life style, and as a plus I finally got the courage to kick my dumb, abusive anchor of a boyfriend to the curb. You might think that maybe I would want to keep him since he in fact played a small part to the forming of my angel but, I think not. That was another lesson I learned from the journey from point A to B was that just because something can change in me from feeling this miracle and responsibility, does not mean that the other party involved would care or change. Just because I recently found my clarity and sobriety didn’t mean much since he did not have a baby growing inside him. So since we only really knew each other when we were one way or another influenced or intoxicated let’s just say that it didn’t last much longer.

It was so scary and yet exhilarating to have to care for another human being. It was the most eye-opening experience I have ever had just to carry my baby. It was also very scary and humbling to have the responsibility of another human being. I wasn’t doing so well when it was just my own life. This baby, my baby saved my life. I know that, God knows that, and I’m pretty sure anyone who knew me, knows that. I was on a fast-spiral slide downwards. This child, some may think that he, wasn’t a child yet (which is another topic, a disturbing one but other time) saved me and opened my eyes. If I had not been pregnant nothing would have changed in me, I truly believe God used that special gift to make me aware that He did notice me. I would be dead, in jail, or worse if this hadn’t of happened how and when it did. I had already lost quite a few friends to drugs and alcohol related deaths.

I do not encourage anyone to have a baby to make yourself feel loved. I do not encourage others to have a baby to try to keep their boyfriend or make them change. I know people who did have babies and still lived that life. It is your heart that must change. Me getting pregnant, that is not what saved me. It, however, woke me up, I was aware of the responsibilities that came with a baby. I was aware that I had to get my life together, and I realized that my slow, selfish, self-inflicting road to Hell had been detoured. I thank God and praise him for it every single day.
I not only accepted the responsibility of whatever else was to come with my life, for my sake and for my child’s’. I had known God was around, but I did not let him in. this is when I really, undoubtedly and sincerely accepted God into my heart, once I did that my whole life changed. It is almost like this person I am telling you about isn’t me. That is partly true, this person isn’t me anymore. I am a firm believer that people can change, but only truly when God is the changer, anything other than that is only temporary, for we are not the author of our own lives.

Know Yourself

A little thing on facebook said “What two words would you give your younger self?”

Know yourself! would be mine, and of course my hard headed cynical younger self, would of said “I do”.

Not by a long shot kid…..

 

Caffeine Is A Gateway Drug!

People only talk about marijuana, as a gateway drug.

There are uppers and downers.  People who want to feel numb. People who want to feel calm. People who want to be energized. People who do not want to feel pain (both mental and physically).

People have all these feelings naturally. But they can not quite hold on to them. They  want the feeling to last. Or they do not want the feelings they have, they want to feel nothing.

Caffeine is not talked about as much as it should be. They sell it legally. You can buy it anywhere. They have concentrated caffeine in pill and liquid forms. They sell “energy” drinks, which should be called sugar crash. They keep you awake for a little while. They will get you through the work day, they will keep you up late to finish your homework.  But then you go to bed for 3 hours and your tired, so you get another one, and this process repeats.

Until it doesn’t.

Kids drink sodas, that’s not what I am talking about here.

I am talking about teenagers who drink 5 hour energy drinks, kids who use caffeine pills to help them concentrate and do school work. They think this admirable, they are trying their best to do everything asked of them. But they are running on empty!!! If you see this, this is a red flag. I am trying to give you a wake up call.

If this is your kid.

Next possibilities:

Physical crash from lack of adequate rest

Falling behind in everyday things if they do not get that “fix”

Napping frequently every time they sit down

Caffeine overdose (physically ill)

“Borrowing” medicine from siblings or friends (ADD/ADHD medicine works just the same if it is not medically needed)

SPEED / Cocaine (illegal drugs) that are much stronger than concentrated caffeine

Now tell me I am over reacting. This is far fetched. Tell me again. Not your kid!

Not to make this about me. But I was this kid, and I knew many of them during my teenage years.

Yes caffeine is a gateway drug, I know first hand.

 

 

 

 

Unconformity Conformity

Yes this title could be counteractive or contradictory, but that is the point. Unconformity is the inability to conform. Conformity is compliance with standards, rules or laws.

Now, I know a joke that has to be explained is not a very good one. The same may be said for a  snarky title.

Point….  This world makes it out like it’s a good thing, to be unconformable. To never settle, to never agree with others who came before you. To have your own opinions and your own thoughts and to never to accept someone else’s as their own.  Yes this is all well and good. Individuals. We are that. But the humor I find is that with everyone trying to be their own person and to have their own ways, well they are becoming more alike, and less extraordinary.

I am a Christian, I believe that God made us all unique. I believe that we all have our own purpose and gift. I believe that we are all here to Love each other, and to Love and Honor God.

Me, personally I do not really care for people. Shocker and hypocritical, I am aware. I am a hypocrite everyday. I am a homeschooling mom, and everyday I tell my kids to better than I am. I tell them to go to bed early, I don’t. I tell them to not yell, I do. I tell them to respect and talk nice to each other, I fail. I am hurtfully and completely aware of my failings. I tell them to put God first, to not be selfish, to think of others, when so often I do not.  Now I can say me personally, that many times when I say this and when I write this down, this is my mirror for myself. Black and white on paper or screen, my sign to change. Now back to everyone else. just proving my humanity and flaws.

There are so many hypocrites in the world. A lot of them being Christians.

 

When we call for change and peace and prosperity. Are we accountable as well, or is this something that we demand and expect on a silver platter gently handed to us. Do we get to sit back, and wait… and wait….  and wait….  while yelling or quietly, judging and pointing fingers?

People get upset at injustice, which there is plenty of, but do we do anything about it? We yell, riot, and make more people mad about the same cause, and expect results.

Sorry nothing is going to change!

If you want to fix something you are passionate about follow the good. Follow the helpers follow the one’s you respect. Do not follow and aggravate the already aggravated. Following the hate will not lead anywhere good. Hate will not bring change.

Following the one’s you admire, will bring yourself peace, wisdom, courage and maybe a light to this darkened world.

If you  don’t like cops in your area, feel they treat people unfair. What if you took a step to work with them from the inside. If you feel like the problem is in front of you, stand up, but do not do it from hate. Do not stand up for hatred of people, stand up for the one’s you love.

If you feel that politics are crooked, take time to read more, from all sides. If you are passionate follow the one’s you respect. But yelling and screaming at the one’s you hate will not get anywhere.

If you do not like what the schools are teaching or feel that they may be unsafe, school your own children. Not because you hate others but because you love them.

Be the light. Be positive. Be the spark. The spark may light a flint, but be careful what is under the flint, what is going to burn, love or hate?

We have enough hatred in the sin fallen world. We will learn so much more if we try to respect each other.  If we study history and investigate or ask questions of why people have their opinions, we will learn, even if we still disagree, we will have better foundation for it.

 

Quicksand

You are drowning. Not quickly. You are slowly sinking, how far down are you?

Are you at your ankles, your feet just being covered almost like when you sit at the beach and cover the top of your foot with sand? This sand though is not soft and grainy, this sand is like mud and heavy like when you are at the edge of the ocean and sink your feet in when the waves sweep up to the shore. Where it takes some effort to get your feet back out of it.

Effort is key.

Are you waist deep in the quicksand? Like you are pulling a whole other person with you when you try to walk forward? Or like you are pushing a car with a dead battery out of the road with it in neutral?

Now what is even more tricky is if the quicksand is up to your shoulders, almost up your neck. Where the only free thing is your head, It holds your brain, your eyes, ears and nose. Your shoulders feel heavy, you turn your whole body to turn your head, you are moving so slow that everyone else seems like they are fast-warded.

Even if you feel stuck to the point that only your eyes and top of your head are out. Well you are still in luck your brain is fitting for air for you.

This quicksand is not quick, why that name I do not know.

Now from what I remember about quicksand, you can not struggle, you can not wiggle, you can not crawl out of it. You have to pulled out of it quickly. You can not sit there and take your time to think about it, most of all you can not give up.

I am using quicksand as a description of life.

When you feel stuck, and like you are sinking…… or that life is overwhelming and you can see no change in your future. If you ever feel like you should just make yourself comfortable in this quicksand life. Please do not. Please do not feel like slowly drowning is the way your going to get out of this life.  Yes it will work, yes it will happen, if you do not TRY.

Crawling before walking, walking before running, stepping before jumping. These are the steps we watch our young children follow. But as adults we have to follow them too.

Now I know I said you can not get out of quicksand by all these things, that you have to be lifted out of the quicksand. You lift yourself out of the quicksand with your mind, with your heart, with your soul, with your longing to live for the others who love you, even if not for yourself. But the only you will stay out of that quicksand and not slide back is to have God pull you out. Now God can give the rope to get out, and he will pull, but you have to put your arms up and grab it without letting go.

I was in quicksand, I was almost comfortable with it, but this little nagging voice, the tired heart and body that couldn’t keep up with my kids. I am freshly out of it.

So, I wanted to share that you are not stuck unless you choose to be.

Grab the rope!!!!!!!!!!!

Who are you?

First you are a child of God!

If you do not know who you are, you are letting other people tell you who you are. You are letting others define and sculpt and make you into who they want you to be.

This is not always done consciously.

I recently have decided that I am trying to learn who I am. Call it a mid-life crisis, hope this not my mid life point, but however it is my crisis of self.

Back story, I was in a really bad relationship got pregnant.  Further back story, I never loved myself or planned a future for myself.

So then I had to plan a future not just for me, but for this baby. So I turn to God!! He saves me and places people in my life to love and support me. He gives me the courage to leave my ugly abusive relationship.

I find myself in a new relationship with an awesome man who not only loves me but my son as well. So grateful!

I hated who I used to be, so I threw it all away, threw it all down the drain, every little bit of who I used to be. Every little bit!

So these new people, things and jobs defined me. I was completely starting over. Every compliment I got I grew with that, also every insult or criticism I shrunk with that.

Fast forward nine years with a new addition (little girl). It brings me to terms with the challenges of my past. I helps me remember who I was is still part of who I am.

God is helping me remember things I used to like about myself. He is helping me like Myself! He helping me become someone to like.

I let myself go for years, I didn’t deserve to be happy, I didn’t deserve all the blessings I had received in spite of the life I used to live. I made myself miserable.

I had and have everything I could possibly want to make happy and content and loving. But I was missing the key aspect, loving myself.

How can I give love when I am empty? I have people who love me, but I am still torturing myself from past, I still have not forgiven myself.

So when I got married I threw all I was out the window to be become a completely brand new me. Trying to shape myself into some who could be loved.  But I forgot to bring me.

My husband is a saint for keeping me and loving me with all my self struggles. He has always said that I was a diamond in rough. He would see the glimmers of love I had through my growth of tough skin, he could see the sparkle in my sarcastic smile, he could see the warmth of my cold heart.

Now I can finally see those things too. I thank God that he placed this man in my life to love me before I could. I thank God that he placed this man in my life to believe in me before I could.

He has helped me crack this shell, polish the charcoal of my heart and soul. He has helped me love myself enough to be able to have the drive and passion to love and hope to help others love themselves.

But also I am remembering that who I used to be was not all bad, I have always been a child of God, I just may not of always known it. I am not my past or mistakes, but I will keep them to learn from them and I will share them for others to learn from. I will not hide from them anymore.

Like it or not!.! 😉