The day that I realized my life was not my own was on the day I found out I was pregnant. I was on my smoke break, the girls from work pooled together and got me the test. I was so scared to take it, they waited outside the toilet room door and I came out crying. I had tables waiting for their food, checks, and a welcoming greeting and I was too busy balling my eyes out. I learned this day that my life was not for me and in the same moment I knew I had been saved, in more ways than one.
I also knew that it was one of the best days of my life. The best being the day my son was born. And I’ll tell you to get from point A to B at this time in my life was not an easy road but well worth it.
During this time I got to break free of chains I thought I had been forever tied to. I got to find myself and find God as well. I had been blessed with an angel and not only one to know about, but one to see and feel. It was at this point that I learned I have to grow up put on my big girl panties and get over my pitiful self-destructive life style, and as a plus I finally got the courage to kick my dumb, abusive anchor of a boyfriend to the curb. You might think that maybe I would want to keep him since he in fact played a small part to the forming of my angel but, I think not. That was another lesson I learned from the journey from point A to B was that just because something can change in me from feeling this miracle and responsibility, does not mean that the other party involved would care or change. Just because I recently found my clarity and sobriety didn’t mean much since he did not have a baby growing inside him. So since we only really knew each other when we were one way or another influenced or intoxicated let’s just say that it didn’t last much longer.
It was so scary and yet exhilarating to have to care for another human being. It was the most eye-opening experience I have ever had just to carry my baby. It was also very scary and humbling to have the responsibility of another human being. I wasn’t doing so well when it was just my own life. This baby, my baby saved my life. I know that, God knows that, and I’m pretty sure anyone who knew me, knows that. I was on a fast-spiral slide downwards. This child, some may think that he, wasn’t a child yet (which is another topic, a disturbing one but other time) saved me and opened my eyes. If I had not been pregnant nothing would have changed in me, I truly believe God used that special gift to make me aware that He did notice me. I would be dead, in jail, or worse if this hadn’t of happened how and when it did. I had already lost quite a few friends to drugs and alcohol related deaths.
I do not encourage anyone to have a baby to make yourself feel loved. I do not encourage others to have a baby to try to keep their boyfriend or make them change. I know people who did have babies and still lived that life. It is your heart that must change. Me getting pregnant, that is not what saved me. It, however, woke me up, I was aware of the responsibilities that came with a baby. I was aware that I had to get my life together, and I realized that my slow, selfish, self-inflicting road to Hell had been detoured. I thank God and praise him for it every single day.
I not only accepted the responsibility of whatever else was to come with my life, for my sake and for my child’s’. I had known God was around, but I did not let him in. this is when I really, undoubtedly and sincerely accepted God into my heart, once I did that my whole life changed. It is almost like this person I am telling you about isn’t me. That is partly true, this person isn’t me anymore. I am a firm believer that people can change, but only truly when God is the changer, anything other than that is only temporary, for we are not the author of our own lives.