You are drowning. Not quickly. You are slowly sinking, how far down are you?

Are you at your ankles, your feet just being covered almost like when you sit at the beach and cover the top of your foot with sand? This sand though is not soft and grainy, this sand is like mud and heavy like when you are at the edge of the ocean and sink your feet in when the waves sweep up to the shore. Where it takes some effort to get your feet back out of it.

Effort is key.

Are you waist deep in the quicksand? Like you are pulling a whole other person with you when you try to walk forward? Or like you are pushing a car with a dead battery out of the road with it in neutral?

Now what is even more tricky is if the quicksand is up to your shoulders, almost up your neck. Where the only free thing is your head, It holds your brain, your eyes, ears and nose. Your shoulders feel heavy, you turn your whole body to turn your head, you are moving so slow that everyone else seems like they are fast-warded.

Even if you feel stuck to the point that only your eyes and top of your head are out. Well you are still in luck your brain is fitting for air for you.

This quicksand is not quick, why that name I do not know.

Now from what I remember about quicksand, you can not struggle, you can not wiggle, you can not crawl out of it. You have to pulled out of it quickly. You can not sit there and take your time to think about it, most of all you can not give up.

I am using quicksand as a description of life.

When you feel stuck, and like you are sinking…… or that life is overwhelming and you can see no change in your future. If you ever feel like you should just make yourself comfortable in this quicksand life. Please do not. Please do not feel like slowly drowning is the way your going to get out of this life.  Yes it will work, yes it will happen, if you do not TRY.

Crawling before walking, walking before running, stepping before jumping. These are the steps we watch our young children follow. But as adults we have to follow them too.

Now I know I said you can not get out of quicksand by all these things, that you have to be lifted out of the quicksand. You lift yourself out of the quicksand with your mind, with your heart, with your soul, with your longing to live for the others who love you, even if not for yourself. But the only you will stay out of that quicksand and not slide back is to have God pull you out. Now God can give the rope to get out, and he will pull, but you have to put your arms up and grab it without letting go.

I was in quicksand, I was almost comfortable with it, but this little nagging voice, the tired heart and body that couldn’t keep up with my kids. I am freshly out of it.

So, I wanted to share that you are not stuck unless you choose to be.

Grab the rope!!!!!!!!!!!


Who are you?

First you are a child of God!

If you do not know who you are, you are letting other people tell you who you are. You are letting others define and sculpt and make you into who they want you to be.

This is not always done consciously.

I recently have decided that I am trying to learn who I am. Call it a mid-life crisis, hope this not my mid life point, but however it is my crisis of self.

Back story, I was in a really bad relationship got pregnant.  Further back story, I never loved myself or planned a future for myself.

So then I had to plan a future not just for me, but for this baby. So I turn to God!! He saves me and places people in my life to love and support me. He gives me the courage to leave my ugly abusive relationship.

I find myself in a new relationship with an awesome man who not only loves me but my son as well. So grateful!

I hated who I used to be, so I threw it all away, threw it all down the drain, every little bit of who I used to be. Every little bit!

So these new people, things and jobs defined me. I was completely starting over. Every compliment I got I grew with that, also every insult or criticism I shrunk with that.

Fast forward nine years with a new addition (little girl). It brings me to terms with the challenges of my past. I helps me remember who I was is still part of who I am.

God is helping me remember things I used to like about myself. He is helping me like Myself! He helping me become someone to like.

I let myself go for years, I didn’t deserve to be happy, I didn’t deserve all the blessings I had received in spite of the life I used to live. I made myself miserable.

I had and have everything I could possibly want to make happy and content and loving. But I was missing the key aspect, loving myself.

How can I give love when I am empty? I have people who love me, but I am still torturing myself from past, I still have not forgiven myself.

So when I got married I threw all I was out the window to be become a completely brand new me. Trying to shape myself into some who could be loved.  But I forgot to bring me.

My husband is a saint for keeping me and loving me with all my self struggles. He has always said that I was a diamond in rough. He would see the glimmers of love I had through my growth of tough skin, he could see the sparkle in my sarcastic smile, he could see the warmth of my cold heart.

Now I can finally see those things too. I thank God that he placed this man in my life to love me before I could. I thank God that he placed this man in my life to believe in me before I could.

He has helped me crack this shell, polish the charcoal of my heart and soul. He has helped me love myself enough to be able to have the drive and passion to love and hope to help others love themselves.

But also I am remembering that who I used to be was not all bad, I have always been a child of God, I just may not of always known it. I am not my past or mistakes, but I will keep them to learn from them and I will share them for others to learn from. I will not hide from them anymore.

Like it or not!.! 😉

what if…… (My first short story)

Disclaimer: this is not a true story and it is far from perfect.


“Yes mom, her parents will there”. Beth yelled, while running out the front door. Her ride was in the drive way waiting. This was the new guy George, he seemed cool enough, a little shy, but she would fix that. George looked nervous, “how are you?”, “where are we going?”, “my dad said I have to be home by 10” were the first things out of his mouth before she even had a chance to answer. Beth looked and rolled her eyes, “don’t be a downer already, if you call around 9:30 and say you are too tired to drive home, your dad will let you stay longer, trust me.” George cringes, he was starting to feel even more uncomfortable than he already did, which was a lot, his brain screamed, this is bad news, but his brain also screamed she is so pretty, confident, and asked him out. The other guys seemed so jealous that Beth came right up to me at lunch and asked me out, well she told him “Hey new guy, pick me up at 8” and then she dropped a folded note on the table, and walked away. The note was her address, that was all. I was wondering if she even knew my name.
So now she was telling him where and how to drive. “Can’t this car go any faster?”, “You drive like my dad”. I was getting a bit frustrated with her. I liked my car, and intended to keep it in one piece, I had saved all his birthday and Christmas money, and worked for the last three summers to pay for this car, it was a 2 door, royal blue, 2003 Mustang.
Finally, we get to this fancy looking brick two-story house. Lanterns at the edges of the driveway, the drive way was even made out of bricks. When we to get to front of the house there are kids falling out the front door, cars everywhere. People start saying hey to Beth, asking her who I was, saying ‘who is this guy?”. She tells them that “I’m the new kid”. “Oh” they nod and smirk. I feel like they know something that I don’t. Again, this starts to feel like a bad idea, I have pain the pit of my stomach, or is that the pizza me and dad had ordered for the third time this week. I stand still, trying to take this in, I have seen anything like this before, while looking around, battling with my thoughts, trying to come up with an escape plan already. Then Beth starts pulling me towards the house, “hey come on, we are already late”. All I can notice now is that she is holding my hand.
We walk inside, she drops my hand and tells me to follow her, she definitely knows where she is going, I follow, I look around some more, and like I thought she is the only one I know. If only the kids from my old school would be here, oh wait none of my old friends would be in a place this no matter if they didn’t live 2,500 miles away.
Today I had started what my mom liked to say was, my new life journey, at Harbor Point, my new fancy private school. Yes, today was really my first day. My dad said I hit the jack pot with a girl asking me out. He insisted I go. I really, really, didn’t want to, I wanted to call her to make up some excuse, but she only gave me her address. If mom was around she would have asked more questions, but she was working late, again.
I glance around as I walk through this ginormous house. All I could see was the expensive furniture, electronics, and decor. I assumed the parents weren’t home with these kids everywhere with red plastic cups and beer cans, I saw girls with wine cooler bottles, the kind mom drinks occasionally. The couches are covered with girls and boys making out, wow, even girls making out with each other. Beth turns and sees me looking, she grunts and grabs my hand and pulls me through the crowd.
In the kitchen she hands me cup, already full sitting on the counter. “What is this?” I ask. She giggles and says “beer, what’d you think”. I see a big metal barrel on the ground with a pump and hose coming out of it. A guy, I think he was in my history class comes up and puts cup to the hose and starts pumping and it pours what must be beer with white frothy foam. Beth walks over and gets a wine cooler from the fridge. I stammer saying “I drove, I don’t want it, do you have a soda?” Now she really giggles, “just shut up and drink it, it is only one.” The guys in the kitchen are laughing, I can’t tell which part of that they are laughing at. So, I just start sipping it.
Honestly this is the worst tasting thing ever. I don’t drink beer, tried it once as a kid, my dad left it on table and I snuck a taste, it was terrible and swore when I was 10 years old I wouldn’t drink them. But this one seems to be even worse, and it is warm too. So, I just sip it, so I just shut up and drink it, just like Beth said.
I start to get woozy, it’s only half way gone. This must be what drunk feels like, but it takes my dad like six or more to get to acting like he’s drunk. Beth is running around, saying hey to her friends. She looks back at me and smile, I thought she forgot I was there. I have become like a statue just standing by the kitchen, thankful for the wall that I’m leaning against, it holds me steady, so that it is only my head swimming. Kids are swarming by me faster than bees in and out of the kitchen, that’s where the booze is.
My phone buzzes. I pull it out, it looks kind of blurry. Says I have a new text message. I open it and have to strain to get the letters to come together as words. I finally see it’s from dad, it says that mom has to work late so she is just going to stay at the hospital tonight, so that I don’t have to be home until 12, and to have fun. Beth grabs my phone and reads it, she says “well didn’t that work out perfectly, now he will really believe that your too tired to drive. She grabs my phone and says for me to just let her keep my phone and that she will text him later, and promises she won’t forget. I ask for it back, and he laughs and walks away. I tried to yell “Hey!”, but she can’t hear me, I tried to step towards her, but my feet feel like they are cemented to the floor.
By now my cup is empty, just from being thirsty. After what feels like forever I feel my cup being taken from my hand, I shake my head in realization, that I had just been standing there starring, it was like I was watching a fuzzy tv screen. Beth asks “hey, you alright, you look a little dizzy”, looks like that same smirk from earlier on her face. Yes, I say I am dizzy. She tells some kids to scram and clears a seat on the couch for me, in front of the tv, football was on, couldn’t hear it, but at least it would give me something to watch. Beth gets me settled, and asked if I’d like a drink, Oh, how can she read my mind, I say “yes please, some water.” She laughs takes my cup and walks off. She brings me back another cup of beer. I say that I asked for water, she laughs and walks off. I am dying of a dry mouth so I sip it.
I am thinking of how to get out of this situation. I have my keys, but I am not that stupid, I can barely walk. I can call someone, of wait Beth has my phone. Who would I call anyway? If I called my dad, he’d probably just tell me to relax and have fun, he is always telling me to loosen up. I could call mom, but she’s at work, like is always is lately. Then she would end up being madder at dad, than she already is. Why is she always mad at dad? Now with nothing else to think of, I come to think of this.
We just moved here to Tennessee last month, in the middle of summer, with what to me was no warning. I had spent the last month setting up my room and unpacking my computer and bedroom. Dad said I needed to be out making friends, but I am not really the social type, so he was so happy when I came home saying a pretty girl asked me out. He would not let me stay home, he actually threatened to ground me from my computer if I didn’t go, says I spend too much time on there and not enough with real people.
When we lived in Georgia it wasn’t a big deal and now all of a sudden, I have to make friends. At least there I had a few friends, from church and the last 10 years of school. Why did we move?
So now without realizing my cup was empty again, and Beth almost as if on schedule, takes my cup, I found my voice this time, “water this time, I still have to drive”. She laughs and tells me to “stop being a downer, it’s only 9:45 and I don’t have to be home until 12”. She walks off and brings me another beer. I go to stand up, but my head is still fuzzy, these have to wear off eventually, I can’t believe I am such a lightweight, as my dad always jokes that my mom is.
Speaking of mom, how I wish she would be around more often, she seems to pay attention. Then I remember something she told me after I got my license when we lived in GA, if I ever needed a way out that I should text her and tell people that she texted me that I had to go. Well that might work I had my phone or if I could drive. Lord, help me, you always provide an out, at least I remember hearing that at church on Sunday, that we will tempted but not to feel like we have to, because there will always be a way out of it. SO, where is my way out.?
Beth sits next me, I hear my phone ringing, in her pocket. “OH hey, let me have my phone”. She takes it out, looks at it, it’s your mom, she chuckles and presses ignore. I go grab my phone and she throws it to another guy, and it’s like a game of keep away, I finally get to feet, getting sick of sitting, and sick of this “pretty” girl. Then I lost it, I don’t know who had it, or where it went, all I knew was that I was about to hurl. So I start heaving and this guy comes and pushes me, saying “no way, not here”, and he pushes me into a door in the hall which was the bathroom thankfully.
I finally start to feel better after I puked up all that nasty beer. I rinse my mouth with water and wash off my face. I walk out, still not really knowing what I was going to do. I look at the door and I see a clear path, I am able to walk straight to door, I think about my phone, and then I think about having to go through Beth to get it. I think I will let her have it. Before I can to the door to open it to leave, the door swings open and I am face to face with my mom. “Mom? What are you doing here?” I ask. She grabs me by my ear, like she used to do when I was kid and drags me off.
She opens the passenger door to her car and pushes me in. I get an ear full on the way home, but I am just so stunned that this really is happening, I am not at that party I am actually riding in my mom’s car. Finally, she takes a breath, so all I can ask is “mom, how did you do that?”. She didn’t really like that question, she seemed to of heard mom, why did you do that. But really how did she do that? She was at work, I only told me dad where Beth lived, and then we went to someone else’s house, I don’t even know whose. I am zoned out the whole way home, all I heard was how disappointed she was in me, and that she was busy enough already without having to deal with this, and oh yes, of course I am grounded for the foreseeable future.
We get home, mom tells me to go inside and go straight to my room, she has to talk to my dad. Which of course, I knew what that meant. I sit at the top of the stairs and listen, I don’t want to hear them scream at each other, about how mom is always at work, and about how she is picking up dads slack, since we moved to another state to follow a dud job lead. What I wanted to hear was how in world did she do that. After at least half an hour of them yelling, about not even me, she gets to it. Summed up this is what happened, Mom was working in the emergency room tonight when a kid my age named George came in of a drug overdose, they tried to pump his stomach, seems he had taken a handful of pills to try to kill himself, and unfortunately it had worked. Mom being the over worrier tried to call me to say hello make sure I was ok, and that is when Beth had my phone so, when I didn’t answer she called dad, and he said I was out with friends, she finally convinced him and he and gave her Beth’s address, since that’s all I had given him. Mom said she had had a sick feeling, so she left work, went to Beth’s parents’ house and since we weren’t there she got them to tell her where we had gone. And then that’s when mom got to the party and saw me walking with a pale face and puke on my shirt.

There are many different ways this story could end, and to be honest this wasn’t my first choice. But this is my favorite!  Our kids are going to get themselves into situations on purpose or not, we need to remember to pray over them always and to remind them daily we are there for them and love them not matter what mistakes they may make. ALSO remind them God loves them without fail, because us as humans we fail daily as parents.




For Your Sake

Who are you to tell me how to live my life?

Who cares if you have good intentions?

I just started being healthy. Almost 35.

It’s like when you find Jesus and you want everyone else to know, so they can get to heaven with you.  I want my friends and family to be healthy with me. They would get so much more out of life.

I can see better now. (yes yes I see clearly now that the rain is gone) but more because the sugar and excess weight is gone.

It is like I have this magic eight ball. I can see why so and so is having trouble sleeping. Or why so and so is having what I would call sugar tantrums, or anxiety, depression.

I have struggled with all of these.

To be completely honest, I still do if I get off the exercising and eating right band wagon, which I do fall off occasionally, but now that I have seen the greener grass, I will climb barb wire to get back on.

The first time I ever felt like running. It wasn’t because I wanted to be healthy, or have a better body. It was because I was so pissed off at my situation and the fact that I could not do ANYTHING about it. I wanted to run I wanted to fly away. So I ran as fast and hard as I could, granted it was less than an eighth of a mile but it opened up something inside of me. No not my lungs they felt like they were going to burst. I was crumpled over on the road crying. To tell you the truth I did not feel any better that day, but the truth is I didn’t have any more energy to feel worse.

This was probably almost 3 years ago.  I have gone up and down the scale rollacoaster more times then I’d like to admit. Partly due to having a baby. But also I forget how good I feel when I let myself feel bad, and the why bother when I hit the weight platoe.

I can tell a major difference in myself when I get up and run or walk or do a yoga video versus when I wake up and do nothing. I am testy, aggravated to boot. When I get up and exercise and wipe myself out. I do not have the energy for the negative. I do not rent it space.  Plus I feel accomplished already.

Being a grown up now. I can look back and see that I never had any self esteem, never cared never thought that that could change. But it has. I like myself finally and I want to take of myself. I want this to shine through to my children, so that they can have these values and self esteem and self control and self discipline that I wish I could of had earlier on.


How do terrible things start?

When you are exposed to death young or with an immature mind, it shapes you.

Please talk to kids about it. Please, yourself talk to someone about it.

You are still here, and for a reason. God will bring glory out of messes, even if we can not see how.

With all this tragedy lately, it had brought up some answers for me. Why certain things happened, why I felt the ways I did as a kid.

When I was about 14 years old, I had the worst summer of my life.

A girl, a friend of mine who was the exact age and grade, was in a car accident, her and her older boyfriend were driving around and drove off a small bridge into some water and couldn’t get out of the car. That was my first funeral. She lived one street away, my parents did a lot to help them, and I watched their animals when they had to go away for a while. I was in her house pretending like it wasn’t strange.


My grandmother passed. She had come to live in our town a couple years now, but was at a point that she needed to move in with us. She lived with us probably close to a year. She was at the hospital when she died. But the only thing I remember from her living with us, was how she would get me in trouble, she liked to look out the window and I was sometimes playing or doing things I should not of been doing. There were two funerals for her, on of them I got to go out of town for with my mom and sister to Arkansas.

A boy I knew and had a crush on died. I knew him from another friend’s church. I would go with her to youth group sometimes and went a week in the beginning of that summer for habitat of humanity.  This boy was a couple years older than I, he was a devoted christian, and a very sweet and special guy. He was found dead in his basement after huffing paint. my fourth funeral, I do remember getting out of school for this one.


I do not remember much else. I do not remember being counselled or talked to.

But I can say I think this started my down spiral. This is the summer I started smoking, started hating life, the summer before my first year of high school.

I ruined my high school life. I did not care about anything or anyone. I had a brave face and did not talk to anyone about my feelings. I also had a bad attitude and almost  everyone saw it.  Some still would friend me, not the ones a mom would not want her to be friends with.

Later in the year I learned of some family revelations that I should not of. And although I do not blame anyone for my actions, it lit a spark. The match was already close to the surface, so it could of been something else that could of set it off.

I started to do drugs. I started to date and not care how I was treated or who I was dating as long as I was not alone.  This attitude lasted after school too.

I was very good at hiding the drugs from everyone, my family and real friends.  It was the typical starts with marijuana and leads to more so the span of almost about 10 years.

During this time I did finally start seeing shrinks. And well they prescribe drugs too.  I did thoroughly enjoy the talking.

I do have a happy ending. Finally.

But my point of this is to talk to others. Especially when they are not talking to you.  Pray for people, it is not the least you can do, it is the most.


What people think of you is none of your business.

A country song I like has a verse that says, “if your minding your own business, you won’t be minding mine.”

That may be harsh. But is that not true? We spend so much time looking at other people’s lives, often so we don’t have to look at our own.

When you make your life so busy that you don’t have to notice the things you don’t like. Many people join extra activities for their children just to avoid going home.  A lot of them I know to be military spouses, and I can only assume that it passes time quicker when the family stays busy while their spouse is deployed. And I don’t find anything wrong with that.

My issue is when we can’t look in the mirror but can look around with a magnifying glass at everyone else. Trying to help and solve other people’s problems to only avoid our own, that is a problem.

Recently, I have made my life insanely busy, to only find out that I was too busy, to do my job. My job to be a mother, wife and daughter of Christ. So that I neglected all of these duties, just to partially aid others, or just to join in groups where all I got out of it, was to go home feeler smaller. I would compare myself to others, try to do more to fit in, try to change my way of doing things, so that I could fit in.  And let me tell you, I am not in high school, I have children in high school. No… You mean peer pressure, and insecurities hit when you are an adult. YES! Shocking I know. No.. it’s not shocking at all.

But my point of this is to tell you, the way other people feel about you, IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. What goes on in other people’s minds is none of our business, even if people say things out loud, it is none of our business.  Even people who mean well with unsolicited advice.

This is hard to grasp. I have heard this before and never fully understood it. But finally I do. I repeatedly have to learn things the hard way, this was another lesson.

The only people we should please is God of course, but our immediate family, our spouses, and children have to come first. Also you have to do things for your self, when you feel good it is easy to make others feel good. But if you are unhappy it is hard to make others happy.



Why does the truth offend people?

Most of the time you avoid hearing the truth by simply not asking the question. “Well you asked” is the general response, when you hear something you really didn’t want to. Most of the time, we as selfish, self centered individuals ask the questions, not to hear the truth but, to make ourselves feel better.

Is this what is also happening to our history books. Well if no one asks the hard questions, we can just rewrite what happened. Instead of asking why, people are just hearing what and basing their own conclusions, instead of learning the facts.  Yes some horrible things in history has happened, and oh boy there are plenty more to come. But for us to tare statues down, does not make those things disappear, just less people to ask the why questions. Now when people stop remembering and stop being upset by past things, we dumb humans let them happen all over again. (Yes I am purposing trying to offend everyone).

Just to clarify, destroying inanimate objects does not change anything. Just makes people look like crazy idiots who are lacking attention, that they should be getting else where.

If you really want to change something, change you! The only thing we can change is ourselves. If you don’t like how something in the past happened, control how you react or make a cause to have it not happen again.

But to fight racism, by using racism, is the stupidest thing imaginable. To tare down pieces of history is deplorably insane. Good or bad history, it is history.  Also, even better it is “HIS- story”.

How are we to know how far we’ve come when we don’t know where we came from?

Now a lot of issues and things I think are going backwards. A LOT! but I will act like a decent human being and not criticize or demean you or your loved ones. If you completely disagree with me, that is fine, but please don’t tear me down physically, just mentally will be sufficient.

Thank you for letting me rant.